you were right about the stars

It has officially been 2 years since I graduated from college. Wow.

I think about myself this time a year ago…realizing I’d been out of school exactly 12 months. Those were NOT good times. I was sad, nostalgic, jealous, and hurt by the fact that time had pried the best 4 years of my life from my grips and told me to run along now. So with a melancholy cloud over head, I spent that day scrolling bitterly through a newsfeed peppered with photos of the final wonderful days of college being had by what seemed like everyone but me. And then I cried. Literally made a spectacle of myself as I tried with no success to pull myself together.

I’m happy to report that I do not feel like that person today. A tinge of nostalgia? Well, of course! I went to the best university in the country (in my opinion) and met the best people on the planet (not up for debate) so the 2 year marker definitely tugs at my heart just a bit. But the important thing is that in the aftermath of that breakdown I realized that under no circumstances could I go back.

So I went forward…reluctantly at first. And what I found ahead was everything I would’ve missed had I tried to stay behind. New friends…new experiences…a wonderful city that I get to call “home”…a blossoming career…a paycheck (!)…independence…and the frightening yet delightful sense that my life is mine for the making.

Just like the essays from college that were so nerve-racking to pen due to the subjectivity of having them graded by someone not privy to the inner monologue that fashioned the words on the paper, life suddenly became a blue book that I wanted to fill with A+ content. So to shamelessly quote Drake, YOLO became my catchphrase. And ever since I adopted an insatiable appetite for seizing every moment, it feels like I write a little paragraph of my essay everyday. Will I get an A+ on the final product? Hell if I know! But I personally think it’s a damn good essay and it’s chock full of living and loving and laughing and making oh so many mistakes.

I miss the undergrad bubble. The tunnel vision of believing that the center of the universe was tomorrow’s exam. But the cool thing about the real world is that the blinders get blown off and each next step is no longer dictated to you. The possibilities are endless, and opportunities to become more of the person you hope to be are around every corner.

Did I mention you get a paycheck???

Basically, what I’m saying is that college is an event and you are just an attendee. But in the life that follows the day you toss your cap…your life…you are the event planner. And although there’s some anxiety about making sure the event is perfect, no hiccup has to rain out your party.

I used to think it wasn’t possible to really be in love with or love someone who didn’t love you back. I thought that it might feel like love at the time and still hurt when it was rejected, but that in hindsight you’d think to yourself “that wasn’t really love.” And then you’d meet Mr. Right and think “now THIS is real love.” But now I think every time you are certain you’re in love, you’re in love. The other person just won’t always reciprocate.

Love takes on so many forms. And I really believe that you learn how to correctly love through all of your unrequited loves. Love shouldn’t be something all-consuming that wipes away your ability to protect yourself from hurt. It’s supposed to be an uplifting emotion. Loving someone and being loved in return should be a shield and sword against an often overwhelming life.

Just my two cents…but I think I’m still learning how to love. And learning that it’s a balance between resisting the urge to put up walls as soon as I feel vulnerable, and knowing how to preserve myself in the midst of such an overpowering emotion.

I seriously don’t know much of anything about what I’m talking about. But I think a lot about love, watch a lot of successes and failures from the outside looking in, and I’ve listened to many an angsty song.

I can only hope that I’m remotely correct in my interpretation of it all.